Self-Analysis .

Today at work a sudden urge of frustration came over me. It wasn't to do with work, work actually isn't too bad. It wasn't that i was upset about being at home (which i'm not nor should i be).

I was just frustrated of being frustrated. For too long i have been bitching and moaning about how my life got sidetracked in Taiwan and that because of that my life turned to shit. For way too long i have been moaning and bitching about Martine and what happened between us. For god sakes Mark that was one and a half years ago..get over it!!! I'm sure i've bored everyone with my constant questioning and analysing on that one. For too long i have been bitching to myself that life at home cannot be the same as it was in Asia. Well guess what Mark..it can't be!! It's just impossible.

As much as i try to say to myself "this is just another adventure" it isn't. It's home. Since when has home ever been an adventure? It's home. It's neutral ground. It's a safe haven. It's freakin Switzerland! It's the place you know will be there for you and that's the beauty of home. It never really changes and you can rely on it to get you through times like i had last week and what i had today. To say right now in my life i'm emotionally stable is crap. Most days i'm good and some days i'm not. I can't be all happy roses all the time and as much as i paint a happy picture on the surface,(and most people know me as an easy going, happy go lucky guy) i've always been questioning and analysing things deep down inside. I keep my feelings mainly to myself. I always have. I'm the type of person that questions something about what i did rather than what someone else does. I take my frustration out on myself. I question my desire for things in life. I question what's wrong with me and why i'm feeling like this when i know i shouldn't.

I'm sick of all of those feelings floating around in my head. Why can't i be happier with what i have? Why do i have to keep comparing myself to a part of my life that is over? Why can't i just say to myself "move on. You had an amazing journey now it's time to refuel and prepare for another one." I feel that the people closest to me outside of my family are far away out of reach. Sabrina is leaving for Western Australia in two days which is going to just going to hurt so much. Martines back in Hong Kong where she was a year and a half ago (and if you are reading this i'm not in attacking you at all..just questioning me..so don't get the wrong idea) and my immediate reaction is "why did she leave in the first place"God that question has been going in my head about 1 billion times. the simple answer is she went home..end of story. It didn't work out.. end of story. Stop living in the past Mark! Candace has just gone through one of the biggest bullshit stand up jobs in history by Gary and i can't even give her a hug to say "i'm here for you." I Kate is going back to the U.S. so if you are reading this then don't get too alarmed! I have to re-evaluate what i want in life because the main thing i should be doing is living it and i don't feel that way at all.

I have my freinds in Melbourne still but i barely see them. I've always been a person that knows lots of people but has a very small group of close friends. As much as i enjoy their company when Sab goes i know there isn't anyone in the radius of 4000 km that can fill the void of what i call intellectual and emotional stimulation. I forged some magnificent freindships my time in Asia and the intellectual and emotional stimulation i just talked about was overflowing while back in Melbourne it seems to be drying up pretty quickly.

My brother is getting married in 6 weeks which is exciting and that is what is keeping me going at the moment. I'm sick of feeling like shit when i know life is so great. I'm always telling people that the glass is half full when in my heart i sometimes feel otherwise. I'm always trying to make people happy. I'm always putting myself down through jokes which is fine some of the time but not all of the time. I've lost some of the zest for life because the world seems so big again.

I'm just really frustrated with myself. Last week's breakdown was about being back at home and realising that a time in my life is over.

Todays frustration is an indication that one of the main character strengths i pride myself on (that being always positive to the point of stupidity) is sorely lacking.

I don't like feeling like this at all. It makes me ashamed in some ways.

Not many people would believe that i could write what i have just written.

I just hide it better than most people.