Enjoying the Menu

I've always had problems with weight. I've never been skinny in fact throughout the time i was growing up my dad would joke that i was "build for comfort not speed." It was always in jest but there was a reasoning behind it to me. My brother is the athlete of the family. In primary school he would win sprint races and is built like a greyhound where as i genetically inherited a build like a Greyhound bus. I sweat alot and i've had acne troubles since i was about 13. First on my face and in recent years on my back and even though i've tried everything they seem to stick around. Could it be diet related or just something about my body?

I played football and cricket as all Aussie kids do and i enjoyed it but i never had the desire to take the competition seriously as i all i ever really thought about was growing up and what i would be when i did. Not much has changed in 20 years!I played a lot of tennis in my teens and early 20's and enjoyed the game but more for the socialis ing with my friends. I remember in grade 6 in primary school we were on school camp and each of the students was given a certificate for something. One kid may have got it for being the best on the flying fox or the best at art and craft so when it came to my turn i was given a certificate for "enjoying the menu."

I never really understood how that impacted my life in terms of my self esteem. It affected me greatly and for nearly 20 years it was sitting at the back of my mind as a reminded about how people judged me. I always talk about it to people not only as a joke to tell about me but because in myself it wasn't a joke, it was a form of self criticism and it was a self defeating attitude. Here i was finishing primary school and the best ability i had was stuffing my face full of food. I love food as everyone knows but i've realised that it's been more than just a means to survive, it's been a way out of confronting my own demons. Thise demons being self-confidence, the desire to want to become fit and generally being happy.

Throughout my teens the same trend continued. I didn't have the desire to get fit. I dieted and it worked. My weight was up and down and i even went to Weight Watchers when i was about 19 or 20 i think. I was depressed because i knew that was not me. It was not the me that i wanted to be.

I was at my heaviest before i went away (94 kgs) and while i was in Hong Kong i exercised my heart out because the gym was just there and life was good. According to Sab's scales one day about 8 months after i got to Honkers(where i weighed about 89) i weighed in at 77kgs! It was the lightest i had been since i can't remember when and i was delighted on the surface but deep down i wasn't happy. I wasn't happy because in the deepest part of my soul i didn't feel happy. Mart had left to go home and life in Hong Kong was becoming just like everyday life back at home. I hit a mental roadblock and all the good work and sweating i had done was going down the toilet as the same old insecurities about myself kept creeping up telling me that i was no good.

I have heard the stories from lots of people but never really confronted my reasons why in my life so far i never took my health seriously. I know i'm very cerebral and most of the time it's been at the expense of exercising. I was worried about no one liking me physically and with the world becoming more superficial by the day i felt out of place and out of step. I've never felt i have found my true reason to be on this planet and the mental barrage at trying to find it has cost me a lot of time in terms of my body.

So cut to today with my hairy gut hanging out of a sweaty tshirt on a swiss ball and i'm thinking to myself "I'm loving this." For the first time in my life im really happy that i working out and wanting to be healthy in mind and body. I was 91.4 kilos on Jan 1 and i will weigh myself on Feb 1 to see how i have gone in Jan. I'll put the result up here.

For the first time in my life i'm enjoying the challenge of going to the gym. I'm accepted i've wasted a lot of time in my life and now the time is right to right to exorcise those demons and just enjoy life and enjoy the pursuit of fitness.

Backyard Bliss

Whilst millions of people around the world were getting ready for another Saturday night out on the town i was by myself in the local car wash. In a scene from "28 Days Later" it seemed i was living in a post apocalyptic world where the only person who survived the radioactive fallout was myself. Gone were the sounds of cars being cleaned or water hitting metal out of high pressure hoses, it was just me and my car. It was an eerie scene last night as not only was the car wash empty but so was the main road that it faces on. No cars were coming past and it felt the world was in on a secret that i knew nothing about. Still i chose to have a quiet Saturday night as with the past two nights were pretty busy.

When i got home i decieded that i would turn the spa on and just relax. I have been pushing myself very hard at the gym and i'm seeing the results slowly but surely. Although i could have just jumped in and let the bubbles do the talking i decided that if i'm going to do this, i'm going to do this right. As the spa was warming up i got my ipod and speakers outside plus the half a bottle of red that my parents brought back home from the Chinese restaurant earlier in the night. I was going to spa in style. My legs were sore from the various exercises and walks i did throughout the day so as i got in, the water was just perfect. The first glass of red was poured and i settled into my position with a million stars looking down on me as if they were watching me on stage.

Artists from Louis Armstrong to Jeff Buckley to even Frank Stallone (yes that's Sylvester's brother) were slowly wafting out of the speakers as i just loved this damn spa. It's been three years since i went in it last and i didn't know what i was missing. The water was heating up and the wine was going down well. Elvis was singing about the "Impossible Dream" when i felt calm and relaxed, a feeling i haven't felt in a long time.

The stars shone brighter throughout the night and by the time i had finished the wine, the water was super hot, the bubbles were erupting underneath me and Ella Fitzgerald was somewhere under a rainbow. It was bliss.

I Still Call Australia Home

Not the best rendition of the song but still has the impact if you're Aussie.

When was the first time you heard a song that you have heard a million times before but you finally feel the songs soul coming into contact with your own?

This happened to me today on our nations 218th birthday, Australia Day. The song in question is Peter Allen's classic "I still call Australia Home." The song is Allen's dedication to this great country and the message that even though you may travel around the world, home will always be with you no matter what. I listened to it when i was away and i knew just by listeing to it my family and my homeland would always be with me in my heart. I have heard this song growing up and i loved it. It's been used mainly by Qantas to promote their airline but the song still gets to me and it means so much more to me since i have come back from overseas. It's hard to explain to someone outside of Australia the impact this song has on you when coming back to Australia. Some nights when i was feeling down this song encapsulated the feeling that even though i may me doing it tough, home will be waiting for you with open arms.

With today being our nations birthday it always strikes me how lucky i am to have grown up in such a magnificent country. I'm so proud of being an Australian and i just love everything about my homeland. I may bitch about work and my life specifically but when it comes to my island home, you will never hear me say anything bad about this place. I have only seen parts and there is so much to this vibrant country that i have yet to see and i have to see it before i die to truely appreciate the majesty that is the land down under.

I spent today at Daniel's to celebrate the day with a typical Aussie backyard BBQ and some cricket. Daniel is Michael (the back doctors) brother and a genuinely nice guy. He recently moved into a new house and it was the first time i saw it and it's really really nice. I wanted to take pics but stupid me took my camera but forgot my memory stick so that was a no go. After a great BBQ we headed to the local primary school to play some basketball (not my sport at all. Never liked it) cricket (i love that game) and a kick if the footy (that's Aussie Rules not soccer) and just have a laugh with a few of daniels work mates who came along.

By the end of the afternoon we were all a bit burnt so we decided to watch the new Rocky film which i got through work. Let's just say that after initial reservation, they were all jumping out of their seats by the end of the film. I loved the fact they loved the film as much as me and appreciated fine Hollywood filmaking when they saw it. After another hour of texas Hold Em i decided to call it a night and head home. I got there at 2p.m. today and i left at 12.30 a.m. Saturday morning. Luckily he lives about 10 mins away from my house so the drive home was nice and short.

Once again Australia Day has proven to me that even though friends may be near or far, they are always in my heart. Australia is in my heart as well and i'm so lucky that it is. I really have realised sometheing i've always known.

Australia is my home.

Happy Australia Day wherever you are.

P.S - I know there are spelling and grammar errors galore but i'm too tired to fix them.

Pep's Pimpin' Poker n' Pole Party

First of all i was looking good last night.

Let me rephrase that..i was looking really really good when i left the house last night.

Now i've never ever said things like that about myself last night and there were no photos to back up such outlandish claims due to the bucks night rule of no cameras but you have to trust me. In fact i wore the shirt Chris got me for Christmas (which i wore New Years Eve...Sab has the pics of that night) as i thought it was a nice night to wear it. So when Dad and I walked into the pub at Crown Casino i was greeted by Chris wearing the exact (and i stress exact) same shirt that i was wearing, we just looked at each other and shook our heads in disbeleif. Chris and Leigh (my former next door neighbour and a year older than Chris) already had my green poker hat at the ready with "Love Machine" written across the front in black ink.

I've never understood the nickname considering that this machine doesn't so a lot of lovin' but i'm used to the name asit's an in joke between me, Chris and Leigh. After a few drinks at the pub and the numbers grew we headed off to the poker room to play two hours of Texas Hold-em Poker. Noe being away from Australia i missed the resurrection of poker as an important game in the gambling world. Poker is huge over here in Australia these days and it was eventually going to happen that i got sucked into to Texas Hold-Em and i must say that i enjoyed it. Considering i had no idea how to play and that card games in general aren't exactly my strength (Sabrina can tell you all about how shit i was at canasta in China) i thought i did alright considering i was playing against people who had been in the game a lot longer than me.

As the poker wore on and the night became more entertaining, the buck (Chris) started to get into his element. He was working beautifully beverage wise and really enjoying the fact that his hand in poker lasted more than the usual 3 minutes that the Peppers take to lose cash whilst gambling. Needless to say the winner of the tournament was our family friend Keith who had never played the game in his life and managed to have the superior hand everytime the game was on the line. He didn't know what was going on half the time and just was shocked as everyone else when he won. It was a great way to start the night.

Being my brothers night i had the dual responsibility of having a great time and also keeping an eye on him to make sure he didn't do anything stupid. Well i'm proud to say i did both jobs so well that during a lap dance at the gentlemen's club known as the "Men's Gallery" i struck up a conversation with the first of two 'exotic dancers' who decided to take her clothes off in front of me. I was standing next to Chris when this tall slim brunette came up to me and said "want a dance?" so i thought why not. She clasped my hand and took me upstairs to a room which was retrofitted with what could only be described as exotic dancer cubicles. I sat down and she started to dance and so i start thinking about Jamie Lee Curtis in "True Lies." In the space of 8 minutes (which cost me $40) i managed to get her name ("Zara") why she was doing the job (single mum) how long she had been there (her first night) and how she enjoyed the job (she loved it). Here i was sitting down watching this woman strip completley naked in front of me and i turned it into a Q & A session.. i couldn't help it. I needed to talk.

At the end of her dance i wished her well and headed back out into the main room where Chris was no where to be seen. I think he had about 7 lapdances and was working beautifully. He was having a wonderful night and i was so happy to see that he was having a great night as well. After another lap dance (paid for by Chris) by a supposidly German dancer called "Montana" (have you ever heard of a German woman called 'Montana'?...honestly) i decided that that was enough naked chicks for me for one night. It was getting late and coming to that part of the evening where Chris wanted to kick on but the better judgement was to take him home. He got into a cab just after me and i got home about 2.30 yesterday morning.

It really was a fantastic night out and i must thank Leigh and Chris and Chris M for organising it. If Chris had as much fun as i did, then he had a wonderful night out. Well i know he did..he messaged me this morning saying his head was throbbing.

Mission Accomplished

Life's in the details.

I admit my blog updates whilst frequent don't have the pizazz of some other bloggers. What is so exciting about being back at home with your parents? What's so excting about being back in a city which i feel no attachment at this time in my life? How can life mean something to me when deep down i know that this is where i don't belong? How can this page entertain when compared to others whose adventures seem to crush mine into a fine powder?

Now before you think this is another self-inflicted emotional bashing on myself it isn't. It's just me trying to tell you , the 4 readers out there (though the number of actual readers is open to speculation.I'll still write stuff for here as i need an outlet) that sometimes even in the most mundane of circumstances fleeting moments of happiness come from the little things in life. In the past 24 hours it's been the little things that have propelled me forward in the face of constant questioning about my reason to be home.

Yesterday morning my Aunty Rhonda came around as she had received an iPod Shuffle for Christmas. Seen that i have had a lot of experience in the iPod world i was the natural first choice to guide Aunty into the 21st century. As hers is a shuffle and mine is a video it took me about 45 minutes to figure out the difference between uploading songs to hers and to mine. After downloading the obligatory Robbie and Bon Jovi i found myself looking over her 80's CD's which had such classics as "99 Red Balloons" and "Jessie's Girl." I used to listen to Jessie's Girl a lot and wonder why no one liked me for me? I still think like that sometimes but i just don't care about things like that anymore. It was nice to sit down with Aunty and have a chat about life and just how i'm feeling. I find myself these days just opening up to anyone that asks that simple question..is that bad?

C'MON!!!!!

Yesterday afternoon i went to our local mega mall to look for some stuff for work's Australia Day celebration. You had to come dressed as a famous Australian so i decided that i would go as Lleyton Hewitt. For those who don't know, Lleyton is our no.1 tennis player (which these days means nothing much) whose career is on the decline after marrying a TV soapie star and having a kid. I decided that he was the best person to go as and the accompaning photo is testament to how little preperation can get you 3rd place in the office dressup competition.

Back to the shopping centre. On my way back to the car i noticed that one of the centre's book stores was closing down due to the bohemith that is Border's Bookstore opening up at the other end of the centre. Inside was a 75% off all books sale!! Well as you know with me, that's like waiving a red rag in front of a bull so i went inside and 10 minutes later i came out with 5 books for 35 dollars. The best ones of the lot were two page turners that i know appeal to two of the readers here. The first one was 75% off "Richard Hammonds (the bloke that i know Candace likes from Top Gear) Car Confidential" and 75% off the "Official Eurovision Song Contest 50th Anniversary Book" which i know appeals to another reader...especially if i used such artists names as Mike Spiteri, Times Three and Lynn Chircop :)

In anyones language 5 books for 35 dollars = Bargain!

With me slowly getting back into the gym and just focused on moving forward in life, it's all about looking at the details right now as the big picture can take a break for a few months. Don't worry big picture i'll be sitting down with you soon but for now life is about just enjoying the little things that come my way...

...like Sabrina's postcard that came today. I miss her.

I miss all you four readers...a lot.

Another Saturday Night....

Mel and I doing our "party faces."
My shirt was a requirement for the party.

You know there are famiiles that know how to have fun. I'm sure there are families in your network that are just a constant pleasure to be around. For me, the Stepnell Family are one of these families.

Last night the Pepper Family got into the car and rode up the Western Highway to the country town of Melton to celebrate Geoff's (that's Mel's dad) 50th birthday. The sky was grey from rain clouds and the tunes of Crowded House came out of the car speakers as raindrops danced across the windscreen. It had been raining the whole day so by the time we got to Melton the ground was wet but thankfully they have a huge pergoda out the back of their house and from the moment we walked in the front door it was party time.

It's been about three years since i had been to their house and a as requirement for the party, everyone had to bring a Hawaiian shirt as Geoff has a thing about them. So earlier yesterday i was shopping and came a across a store selling Hawaiian Shirts for $7. What a bargain!! As the night went on my fear that finger food wouldn't be enough (see previous updates on my thing about finger food) was shattered when about 20 large pizzas came through to the kitchen and my eyes lit up. I was tucking into the pizza and having a few drinks and chatting with people i haven't seen in a while. The music was playing and it was such a great night that during a game of pool against dad, i somehow managed to get the cue ball to fly off the table and hit him smack in the family jewels. Well dad went down faster than a White House intern and the people around the table just burst out with laughter. It was the finest shot i have ever seen on a pool table.

After the speeches a game of "pin the melons on the babe." came out. It was a clear plastic sheet with a buxom woman drawn on it. Much like "pin the tail on the donkey" but the tail was in this case a pair of inflatable breasts. After a few people having a go i decided to have a crack. I got spun around three times and slowly made my way to the door, i stuck them on and they were in perfect position. The moral of the story there is ladies, even if i'm blindfolded i'll know where they are ;-)

About 1am i found myself using a pool cue as a bass guitar whislt freinds of the Stepnell's were playing guitar and using chopsticks for drum sticks. It was a fantastic night and i was able to catch up with Geoff, Bernie (Mel's Mum), Craig (her brother) and Mel throughout the night. I had a bit of a chat with Mel and told her how Sab and I wished she could have stayed longer in Hong Kong. She's still working away but is looking to go back to uni...possibly primary teaching.

The Pepper's left Melton about 1am and it was just another Saturday night at the Stepnell's...just a whole lot of fun.

The Cass and I

Since being back in Melbourne i have had the time to catch up with old freinds and try to catch up on lost time. One of the wonderful things i have been able to do is find out how peoples lives have progressed. Even though i bitch and moan that Melbourne is still the same, the peoples lives who i am slowly becoming more involved in have changed as well...the best example is our good friend Cassidy.

Since she has returned from Hong Kong ( a day after she was sitting at Yuen Long McCafe whilst her plane was leaving the runway at Hong Kong International Airport) she has entered a graduate program, got herself in shape, found herself a nice boy (who she just loves soo much) and now she's in a place in her life where it's all about building a foundation for the future. Where as I want to continue travelling while i can and see as much as i can. With Cass now up the road at the HQ of "Company X" i'm really happy that there is someone i know close by and who lives on the same side of town as i.

It's been great to catch up with Cass again and see a side of her that is her true side. Last night we had a couple of drinks at a pub in the city (Young & Jacksons it was Sab) and just had a graet chat about life, love, travelling and the future. The Cassidy we saw in Hong Kong isn't the true Cass and I hope that one day that Sab, Candace and Martine will see the real person and not the one we remember. Last night after work we went down to the Yarra River to record a couple of Australia Day messages for Sab, Candace & Martine (which you will receive hopefully by the end of the week) and just acted like a couple of dicks.

We are off to the movies on Tightass Tuesday to see "The Pursuit of Happiness" which even though is a guaranteed tear-jerker, looks like a pretty good film. Sometimes you forget why you were friends with people in the first place but now that i have the opportunity to hang out more with Cass, i think we are going to have some good times in Melbourne ahead.

Sab's not the Only One!

It seems Melbourne these days is going through a bit of a rough patch. We have water restrictions all over the state and the entire continent is going thorugh a drought unmatched in living history. There are massive bushfires in the states east causing heartbreak everyday and burning up hundreds and thousands of arces of our state in the process. There were a punch on between Serb and Croat supporters at the tennis on Monday and the entire city was thrown into chaos yesterday when one of the major power grids in the state shut down due to the bushfires causing havoc with power lines in the mountains.

200,000 homes without power, trains stuck in tunnels, people trapped in lifts, traffic lights down, ethnic tensions boiling over, people can't wash their cars, it seems Melbourne's title of "World's most liveable city" is sorely lacking.

In the local paper the "Herald Sun" i was reading the 'Your Say' section where people write in and say what they feel. A reader by the name of Paul from Airport West (about 10 mins from my house) wrote a little msg to the paper that went like this:

"World's most liveable city?
No water, covered in smoke, ethnic brawls at the tennis, speed cameras everywhere.
I'd say Victoria is going down the toilet-but we can't afford to flush.
I'm off to Perth"

Sab dear buddy...looks like you got out just in time and you won't be the only one leaving Melbourne to "Go West."

Big Brother is Watching Me

Just after 5:00pm i received a msg from Cassidy. I was walking towards the tram going home when i got the fright of my life. Earlier on the afternoon Cassidy's manager called her over. She only started on Monday and she was called over to her manager to look at my blog...that's right my blog.

The post below this one caused Cassidy's boss to pull her aside and explain what this is all about. With my last posting about the company (which will be known now as Company 'X') when i typed the name of the company Cass and I work for..it sent a little msg through Google to someone at company headquarters. It seems the company has software that detects any mention of the company name from all over the internet. With Cass freaked out and embarrased on the phone, i just couldn't beleive that Company X would have that much power to find every mention of the company on the whole entire internet!

My little page is only read by 4 or 5 people on the entire planet yet it caused enough concern (probably because i posted a pic for all the lovely readers out there showing how far away we are from each other and this) for someone at HQ to mention it to Cassidy. I seriously was shocked. Imagine if i wrote something really bad about the company on here and that would have been picked up by the Google program as well. This blog..my blog my little online journal about what is going on in my life and my employer gets a notice and reads what i wrote about Cass and her little response as well..it makes us look like a couple of fools.

With Melbourne being affected yesterday by mass power blackouts, i couldn't get online and delete the post but i spoke to Cassidy later and she said just leave it. I mean it won't get me a warning but it just brought home the fact that Big Brother really is out there, even in the most remote of blogs.

An Official Work Buddy

You can't really see the dots but Cass works at the top one. I heard she likes it on top..Hehe

In one of the biggest shocks in employment history, our dear friend Miss Cassidy (sorry Mi Cacadi) has started working at one of the world's largest multi-beverage companies in the world. You would think that some people are born with the ability to find their way in the world and somehow Cass has found her mecca...she's working for a company that makes beer, wine and spirits.

She's now working for the same company i am (Fosters Group) and i'm really excited to have her just a 10 minute walk up the road. Today was her first day on the job at the head office of the company. She was a little hesitant but if they are as nice as the people are at my office then she should be fine. I'm looking forward to catching up with Cass for friday night drinks (even though shes says she doesnt drink at all these days) and having a laugh about times and hangovers gone by. Remember Cass you didn't throw up in that corner of the bus, it was the other one :)

Look forward to seeing you Friday!!

A Lazy Sunday

Mum putting up the Gazebo today.

I have always loved lazy Sundays in all shapes and sizes. Sunday is the only day of the week where time can sometimes can stand still. Growing up Sundays at home were about sleeping in and watching movies. In my late teens it meant finding something to do to pass the time. For some time in Asia it meant recovering from the night before. For a brief time it meant spending it all snuggled up in bed with Martine and just enjoying the fact that the day would be spent in each others company wihtout a care in the world. Sunday is such a great day. These days i don't even do that whole "I've got to go to work tomorrow so i hate Sundays" thing because i can't change it. I've never really appreciated the day before. Now I do.

Today was a pretty Lazy Sunday. Here is a break down for those who can be bothered to read it.

After waking up after last nights red wine and Crowded House / Ella and Louis session. I made my way to Sab's favourite store JB HiFi. I was paid today so i headed straight to the discount DVD bin and picked up "Rock Star" for 7 dollars and "Grosse Pointe Blank" for 10. That's gotta be a bargain in anyones language..including Malti! :) I also picked up another Crowded House album.

Throughout the day i went to the gym and got reaquainted with the fitness program that was set out for me in October. I just haven't had the desire to go but now i'm at a stage where i need to go to keep me sane! What better way to work off your anxiety and frustrations then belting my big wide feet on the treadmills or feeling my abs shake like a San Fransisco earthquake on a swissball. After the gym i made my way to our local mega mall to pick up some running shorts and some gloves for weights. I've got the desire again that i had in Hong Kong to get as fit as possible. I let myself get lazy for a long time due to many reasons but now i just have to focus on sweating my ass off.

Throughout the day mum asked me to help put up the gazebo but i was waiting on a call. Ivy (my former co teacher) was at the birthday party of one of my former students (Dennis) and we were attempting to Skype and after a few false starts, we finally had a conversation. It was great to see someof the kids again (Jerry, Justina, Kiu Kiu, Wing Wing and even little Calvin) and to see how much they had grown. They still miss me and i miss them (well sometimes). I had some great times in that classroom and it's a nice feeling to know that they still know who i am after all this time.

During the day as well i had some conversations on msn with various people and then was asked to help put up a gazebo over the spa. It was just mum and I and even though i don't have a handymans bone in my body (as you know readers im not exactly the overalls covering a rippling six pack from hot hours working in the sun type) we managed to follow the instructions and 30 mins after we started with a pile of white poles on the grass, we managed to have a fantastic gazebo over the spa. I'll be seeing that spa soon after a few sessions at the gym i think.

From poles to perfection in 30 mins.

I spoke to Sab this morning and she is in Perth. Her and her mum made it over the Nullabor (which is just desert and about a 300km dead straight patch of road) which is a relief and i was glad to hear that they had both made it with no problems.

I started watching Oliver Stone's "World Trade Center" today but got about 30 mins in when i decided that i really need to sit down and watch it intently.

That was my day today. The updates here don't have the same pizzazz as days gone by but to the valued readers of this blog (it's really nice to know that you still read this...it makes me happy) i need to keep this blog going as it's one way to vent how i'm feeling and i'm sure you would like to know how i'm feeling as well.

Have a great week everyone wherever in the world you are :)

Smiling as the Shit Comes Down

The mood at home these days has been slowly evolving from frantic paranoia and a feeling that my life that i knew and the freinds around me are moving onto bigger and better things whilst i slowly shuffle to the continous momentum of the status quo. Work is going well but i got a fright during the week when my team leader called me in for my "one on one." My team leader is a nice lady who expects the best from her team and she's happy with my progress and also that i have got on well with everyone in the team as well.

During the course of this meeting i was finding out what seemed to be my plans for the year. My formal review would be at the end of June where all my reports on upselling, log in times, customer service skills etc. etc. will be evaluated. I'm learning new programs and other parts of the business everyday and even though its a lot to take it, the environment and the staff are quite nice though quite odd.

Throughout this one on one i advised my team leader that i'm only a temp on a 6 month contract that ends at the end of april. Her face dropped. She didn't know this. She had just told me all this stuff about the upcoming months, the changes in the business and all this future stuff only to find out i may not be there in 3 months time. The decision is out of her hands and it's up to the business to see wether my costs and my actual time there fit the demands of the company at that time. As much as i would like to stay there until the time to travel again is right, the fate is out of my hands.

So what happens on the 30th of April? Well i either stay or go. I can't get frustrated about that because it's one more thing i don't want to stress over. I spent today watching the final of the official warm up tournament for the Australian Open Tennis. For 75% of the readers here this paragraph here can be skipped over as your interest in sport is non existant. I went with Stav and we visited the former home of the Australian Open at Kooyong. It's awonderful old stadium in Melbourne that just oozes history. A cloudless blue sky and an entrtaining match between Roger Federer and Andy Roddick kept the sell out crowd pleased as Melbourne moves into tennis overload for the next two weeks.

Tonight i was at home to witness the untimely death of our table tennis table. Dad and I were putting it back up when one of the brackets connecting the legs to the table snapped which forced the table past its usual point and the hinge on the table snapped off. Ah well..rather than tennis its been two thirds of a bottle of red and some Crowded House playing on the computer. I love Crowded House's music and i'm in a very sombre mood right now. Life these days is just about getting through the days and trying to find the best in everything. It's hard even for me but i just have to keep moving forward.

The Interview...Part Two

What started out as an interview about Sab and how her life will be affected by moving to Western Australia quickly turned into Sab wanting to set me up with one of her now ex-workmates. She also had a go at my Pirate and Swedish jokes.

I don't care what anyone says. I think they are funny (and i'm not the only person who says them either)and that people enjoy the, It's part of my charm.

That's why i'm such a ladykiller...yeah right!!

The Interview...Part One

On Thursday Night i asked the hard questions to Sabrina before she left for Western Australia.

Needless to say though my intentions were good, it all went down hill very quickly.

Enjoy...Part Two coming soon.

Goodluck, Goodbye Bobby Jean

It's not Thailand but Craigieburn will do!

Last night (it's 1am Friday morning as i start writing this) I drifted over to Sabs place in Cragieburn to wish her well before her momentous journey to Western Australia later this morning. It's an exciting time for her as she is about to start a teaching course which will lead her to new and wonderful times ahead.

Even though it was a sad night for both of us, there were plenty of laughs all around as always. With the help of Mr. Johnnie Walker and a couple of nice mini Cuban cigars, the night just seemed to fly. We talked a lot of crap as always but every word of it made sence. Sab's mum came out and the three of us had a lovely chat. She's sad and excited as well but she knows it's the best thing for Sab. As a little going away gift i gave Sab a copy of Dr. Suess's classic "Oh the Places you will go" to read to her kids in class one day. Wow..Sabs going to be a real teacher!

I wrote some words in her card that explain how i feel about her choice to go. Needless to say that the words were very positive and i know its the right move for her.I don't think it will hit me just yet that Sab is gone. I was driving home from her place (which by the way seems like an eternity even though its only 30 mins away from my place) and the first song on my iPod that came up was Bruce Springsteen's "Bobby Jean."

"Bobby Jean" is a song about saying goodbye to a close friend and i thought that the iPod gods were obviously looking out for me. As much as it will hurt me not having her around i know it's in her best interest to chase the dream of teaching. I'm so proud of her for doing it. Sometimes i ask myself what is my passion? Sab has found hers and i know mine will come but for now it's about celebrating an evolution in our friendship.

So where does that leave me? My closest friend has left and my close friends are overseas yet why should i worry. Just because you may not be down the road physically doesn't mean that you are not with me spiritually. I'm a very lucky person to have great freinds in my life and that no matter where we are in the world, the connection of friendship remains strong. I'll be seeing Sab in May when i go to Perth so that's going to be exciting.

What else can i say except "Goodluck, Goodbye Bobby Jean"

Self-Analysis .

Today at work a sudden urge of frustration came over me. It wasn't to do with work, work actually isn't too bad. It wasn't that i was upset about being at home (which i'm not nor should i be).

I was just frustrated of being frustrated. For too long i have been bitching and moaning about how my life got sidetracked in Taiwan and that because of that my life turned to shit. For way too long i have been moaning and bitching about Martine and what happened between us. For god sakes Mark that was one and a half years ago..get over it!!! I'm sure i've bored everyone with my constant questioning and analysing on that one. For too long i have been bitching to myself that life at home cannot be the same as it was in Asia. Well guess what Mark..it can't be!! It's just impossible.

As much as i try to say to myself "this is just another adventure" it isn't. It's home. Since when has home ever been an adventure? It's home. It's neutral ground. It's a safe haven. It's freakin Switzerland! It's the place you know will be there for you and that's the beauty of home. It never really changes and you can rely on it to get you through times like i had last week and what i had today. To say right now in my life i'm emotionally stable is crap. Most days i'm good and some days i'm not. I can't be all happy roses all the time and as much as i paint a happy picture on the surface,(and most people know me as an easy going, happy go lucky guy) i've always been questioning and analysing things deep down inside. I keep my feelings mainly to myself. I always have. I'm the type of person that questions something about what i did rather than what someone else does. I take my frustration out on myself. I question my desire for things in life. I question what's wrong with me and why i'm feeling like this when i know i shouldn't.

I'm sick of all of those feelings floating around in my head. Why can't i be happier with what i have? Why do i have to keep comparing myself to a part of my life that is over? Why can't i just say to myself "move on. You had an amazing journey now it's time to refuel and prepare for another one." I feel that the people closest to me outside of my family are far away out of reach. Sabrina is leaving for Western Australia in two days which is going to just going to hurt so much. Martines back in Hong Kong where she was a year and a half ago (and if you are reading this i'm not in attacking you at all..just questioning me..so don't get the wrong idea) and my immediate reaction is "why did she leave in the first place"God that question has been going in my head about 1 billion times. the simple answer is she went home..end of story. It didn't work out.. end of story. Stop living in the past Mark! Candace has just gone through one of the biggest bullshit stand up jobs in history by Gary and i can't even give her a hug to say "i'm here for you." I Kate is going back to the U.S. so if you are reading this then don't get too alarmed! I have to re-evaluate what i want in life because the main thing i should be doing is living it and i don't feel that way at all.

I have my freinds in Melbourne still but i barely see them. I've always been a person that knows lots of people but has a very small group of close friends. As much as i enjoy their company when Sab goes i know there isn't anyone in the radius of 4000 km that can fill the void of what i call intellectual and emotional stimulation. I forged some magnificent freindships my time in Asia and the intellectual and emotional stimulation i just talked about was overflowing while back in Melbourne it seems to be drying up pretty quickly.

My brother is getting married in 6 weeks which is exciting and that is what is keeping me going at the moment. I'm sick of feeling like shit when i know life is so great. I'm always telling people that the glass is half full when in my heart i sometimes feel otherwise. I'm always trying to make people happy. I'm always putting myself down through jokes which is fine some of the time but not all of the time. I've lost some of the zest for life because the world seems so big again.

I'm just really frustrated with myself. Last week's breakdown was about being back at home and realising that a time in my life is over.

Todays frustration is an indication that one of the main character strengths i pride myself on (that being always positive to the point of stupidity) is sorely lacking.

I don't like feeling like this at all. It makes me ashamed in some ways.

Not many people would believe that i could write what i have just written.

I just hide it better than most people.

Happy 80th Birthday Nanna

The grandkids got the chance to blow out the candles.

What are the three best exports from Germany ever?

1. Porsche
2. Sauerkraut
3. My nanna

Now my Nanna is the perfect candidate for the concept of "tough love." She's honest to the point of brutal, i've never seen her laugh more than once a year, she's active as ever and even though shes slowing down a bit, she is a model of German engineering. As much as she has the capacity to infuriate the shite out of me she only does it out of love and that's why i love her so much. She's as subtle as a sledgehammer. We have a nickname for her... "The General."

Today at the Williamstown RSL 40 of nanna's closest (immediate family), oldest (freindships from her days in Yarraville that started 40 years ago) and newest (that includes you Sab) friends shared in the celebration of this extrordinary womans life. I have stated before that i'm very very lucky to have sucha great network of family and friends and today was a perfect example. Everyone got on with everyone and there were plenty of laughs from all over the room.

Add to the fact that the roast we had today was sensational (i couldn't eat all of mine..check Sabs blog for the pics of my food to find out why) and they served Chocolate Crackles (mmmmmm) and it was just a lovely Sunday afternoon. Throughout the day Nan opened her presents and one of them was a foot massager. I'm afraid with my feet and the toxins imbedded in them that i would sent the foot massager back to the Stone Age.

I have so much admiration for Nan. She and her husband came to Australia fleeing Europe after World War II to start a new life here. Not knowing any English, they were sent to an Immagration Camp in one of the hottest parts of Australia. They slept in tin sheds and my Nan gave birth to mum under an Orange Tree. She is one tough woman and i've never asked her about the war.

This year Nan jus wanted a small party with the family which we alll know as code for "i wanna big party." Nan actually cried a little today (That's two German things i have seen break down. The other was the Berlin Wall) because she knows how important she is to everyone and how much we all love her.

Happy Birthday Nan and yes i'll keep my room tidy.

Where were you in 1982?

An 80's classic in much the same way that "Electric Dreams" was a classic.

Last night i decided to re-visit a slice of my past. The setting was Theatre 2 at the Australian Centre for the Moving Image at Federation Square. The movie was "Tron" and judging by the reaction of the people that i told that i was going to see it, they had no idea what this movie was. In short is is an early 1980's Disney film about a renegade computer programmer who somehow gets put into the program he was trying to hack into. I won't go into the details of the actual film because you all may lose interest .

I was reading the local paper at lunchtime on Friday when i came across a small ad in the newspaper saying that "Tron" was playing Saturday night. I just had to see it. I barely remember seeing it when i was a little fella and what struck me back then was the amazing colours and the cool hybrid-motorbikes. I called Sab to see if she wanted to see it but she hadn't heard of it (plus she was visiting family ont he other side of town) so i called my other good mate Stav who hadn't seen it either but decided that he will accompany.

Not many of you know about Stav. I met him at Uni as well in pretty much the same manner as i met Sab. Now Stav has to be one of the nicest guys on the face of the planet. As his name suggests he has Greek heritage but he's Aussie through and through (even though he supports Collingwood) and it's always fun to catch up with someone else who enjoys Chicken Parma's as I do.

I caught up with Stav at the steps out the front of Flinders Street Station which is the place to meet people in the city. When you say on the phone "i'll meet you on the steps" or "i'll meet you under the clocks" it can only mean this famous place. As i got there about 10 minutes before Stav i was people watching and it seems that while the faces change, the styles of people who meet at the steps never seem to change.

There are the underage wanna be hotties waiting for their freinds, there are the bogans who have their 6 pack of beer waiting for their de-factos and their de-factos kids to come back from the Target Superstore in the city. There are the groups of workmates off for a night on the piss or on their way to another sporting event. It is one of the only places in Melbourne where all sections of the community can be seen every day.


Seen that Federation Square is across the road from the station, Stav and I decided to have a drink down at the Riverland Bar on the Yarra River. We had a quick beer and then went further down the river to find a place to eat but it was a lovely humid night so every man and his dog were out so we couln't find a place to eat so we ended up at a Portugese Chicken Fast Food franchise. When we went up to order the guy behind the counter said in his best Indian accent "I'm sorry we are out of chicken but you can have a burger if you want." Considering that Nando's is a Chicken shop and they serve Chicken Burgers it begs the question...WHAT THE HELL PRODUCT DO THEY USE IN THE BURGERS IF IT'S NOT CHICKEN?

Stav

After thinking about the answer to that question i couldn't finish my burger so we slowly made our way back to Fed Square to get ready to see the film. We got to the theatre about 10 mins before the show to see only 4 other people waiting. I thought "Gees I must be one of the saddest people in Melbourne" yet when i started talking to a couple of the people about the film the excitement was on everyones face. "Tron" was a film that came out when computers were still a new fad and the world wasn't dominated by computers as yet so to watch a film thats nearly 25 years old talking about the future of computers (according to Disney) was a laugh for me and about the 50 people that were in the theatre last night.

The film felt longer than 90 minutes (Stav actually fell asleep for a minute) but it was an opportunity to step back into a time where computers weren't the be all and end all of life these days. It was an opportunity to think about how life was different in the 80's and how cool computer games were in the 80's. They may not have the cutting edge animation but gees they were addictive!

Kids today don't appreciate computers.

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme

Just one of the crowd these days. Boxing Day Cricket @ the MCG

First of all thank you very much to everyone for your support since my emotional avalance a few days ago. It really means alot to me that i have such caring freinds both at home and abroad. I can't thank you all enough. It was just one of those nights where the world caved in around me and i just had to let out what was building up inside. Last night after i got home from work i watched the first "Rocky" film from start to finish. For some reason i just felt like hearing a bit of "Yo Adrian!!!" to keep the happiness levels up. I half way through Rocky 2.

Well since then i have been well. My mind has cleared up and i'm trying to make the most of my time at home however long that is. Whereas a few days ago i would have tried to compare my last adventure with my upcoming one (my mums theory which was correct) i now see it not as a continuation but another part of the journey that is my life. It will open me up to new adventures and experiences and thats exciting. What's more exciting is that my brother is getting married in 6 weeks. It never really dawned on me that he was until yesterday when i was swapping emails with him about his bucks night in a couple of weeks. Even though Chris and the lovely Narelle have been together longer than the existence of the PlayStation* (*subject to information check) the actual concept of marriage seemed so grown-up. Grown-up stuff is left to the grown ups and not to my brother who is 31 and loves professional wrestling.

Still the concept of my brother getting married may ask questions about me. I'm sure one time during the day someone at the gig will turn to me beverage in hand and slighty slur "so whens it your turn lil' Pepper?" Well i'm buggered if i know and that's the way i like it. Still i know it's going to be a fantastic day and i'm really looking forward to it. So life these days has gone from the Wilson Phillips inspired "Hold on for One More Day" attitude to a Gladys Knight "I've really got to use my Imagination" vibe. Why Gladys? Because in order for me to make the most of my time here i have to keep myself occupied. Right now i'm writing to you all* ( *all meaning 4--subject to headcount) which i enjoy and i'm getting back into the gym again. Hurrah!

But why the Simon and Garfunkel inspired title of this blog? Because Scarborough Fair was playing when i started writing this and i like that song.

Breakdown

It's 8:11pm here on a Thursday night and life right now is revolving around watching old "Whose Line is it Anyway" on youtube. It is only me and another guy on late shifts and sure work these days may be a bit slow after the Christmas / New Year rush but this week is the last of my horrible 12:30 - 9:00 shifts. It feels weird to wake up at 9am and then have to wait a three and a half hours before you start work. Next week i'll be making the slow adjustment to a 9-5 day.

Life right now is pretty good considering that two nights ago i just broke down emotionally. Two days ago Sab emailed me from work (we keep each other company during the day) and she had just emailed me that she had resigned from her job and that she was leaving to commence her teaching degree in Western Australia in a couple of weeks. Why am i making this information public? Because it helps me get better silly as that sounds. My blog has morphed from an online diary of events to my own dairy about the total aspects of my life (well the stuff that is fit for public knowledge) that i'm sharing with the 3 possibly 4 people that read this. When i look back years i'd like to have some sort of memory of the difficult time i have had since i came back home. It all came out Tuesday night when my mum asked me "how was work?"

I replied "i found myself looking at flights for overseas later in the year." With that I just started to cry because Sab was going, i'm back home feeling like a burden to my parents, i'm missing being overseas and the feeling that life was so much bigger, i'm missing Candace, Kate, the chinese teachers, the kids and yes even Martine as well even though the last time i saw her was the year before last. I felt that i had a massive time ahead of me just to get into a position where possibly i may get the chance to go overseas again and that i'm back home and i didn't really want to be here. I'm in a job that is fine and the people are nice yet i think i may know what i want to be but just can't figure out the exact details as yet.

For 45 minutes i cried and it was a long time coming. I felt that i needed to get this off my chest because it was holding me back and i was deperatley holding on to the time of my life which seemed the most exciting and fulfilling. Yet yesterday morning i felt fine. I woke up wanting to make the most of my time at home and i'll know deep down that when the time is right to leave it will be because i am not trying to get out of Melbourne but because i want to see more of the world.

A few people heard about how i felt a couple nights ago and i want to thank you all for your support. It really felt that my life was back to square one (pre March 2004) but it's not because this is a different phase in my life and i'll be looking forward to it. I may be in the same environment that caused me to leave in the first place but this time around i'm prepared for it, i'm more mature (some people may argue otherwise) but i know that right now life is about enjoying the moment. Well actually all of your life is about enjoying the moment right?

For 45 minutes i cried and it was a long time coming. I felt that i needed to get this off my chest because it was holding me back and i was deperatley holding on to the time of my life which seemed the most exciting and fulfilling. Yet yesterday morning i felt fine. I woke up wanting to make the most of my time at home and i'll know deep down that when the time is right to leave it will be because i am not trying to get out of Melbourne but because i want to see more of the world.

A few people heard about how i felt a couple nights ago and i want to thank you all for your support. It really felt that my life was back to square one (pre March 2004) but it's not because this is a different phase in my life and i'll be looking forward to it. I may be in the same environment that caused me to leave in the first place but this time around i'm prepared for it, i'm more mature (some people may argue otherwise) but i know that right now life is about enjoying the moment. Well actually all of your life is about enjoying the moment right?

Welcome 2007...A pretty good start to the year

Sab and I to most people seem joined at the hip. In historical terms we could be the new milleniums Sonny and Cher but actually we are more like Bert and Ernie. It seems that in recent history where there is one there is usually the other. The tradition continued last night as we celebrated the ending of a year where it started with high expectations and ended in a pile of shit. I wanted to celebrate the end of the year but i didn't want to go into the city as every man and his dog would be there and getting home would have been a nightmare.

A couple od days ago one of my very good freinds Daniel (that's Michael the back doctors brother) told me about an 80's night where the band was 10 times better that the one I saw at the Cubby House 80's night a few weeks ago. It was a big call and so with my natural curiosity i just had to find out and also i had to have this claim confirmed by Sab the 80's tragic. Sab drove to my place where we sat down and had a couple of Scotch and Cokes and watched our favourite episode of Frasier. We caught a taxi to the venue (called "Spot") and waited for daniel and his fiance' Hannah and a couple of her friends to arrive. 6 Vietnamese Spring Rolls and a pee in the bushes later and finally Dan and Hannah showed up.

Now when Daniel said "just you two, Hannah, me and a couple of her freinds" actually turned out to be Daniel, Hannah and freinds who were actually two other couples so to the untrained eye there were four couples who went out for a night on the town. Now Dan is the closest i've had to a long term relationship (Martine was only 3 months so that doesnt really count) and we have our own vibe and though the place didn't start out packed and there were questions over the success of the night, as the drinks were being consumed and the bar slowly got busier it had the hallmarks of a really entertaining night.

At whatever time (i didn't really look at my watch and i was working beautifully beverage wise) the tribute band came on stage and from their first riff of "Living on a Prayer" they totally destroyed the band at the Cubby. The joint was jumping and i even put my socks on the outside of my jeans and went all Jennifer Beals when "Maniac" was being played. Though i copped a stitch in the process...i'm unfit. As the music rolled on and 2006 was coming to a close, i was enjoying the night and so was Sab. Our best new year was in Bangkok in 2004 and last night there were bombs exploding all around Bangkok it was great to be back in Melbourne where we were safe and sound. When midnight hit i gave Sab an kiss on the cheek and a big hug. We had been through a lot this year and it was nice to start afresh with new goals to aspire to.

It was a nice way to bring in 2007.