Enjoying the Menu

I've always had problems with weight. I've never been skinny in fact throughout the time i was growing up my dad would joke that i was "build for comfort not speed." It was always in jest but there was a reasoning behind it to me. My brother is the athlete of the family. In primary school he would win sprint races and is built like a greyhound where as i genetically inherited a build like a Greyhound bus. I sweat alot and i've had acne troubles since i was about 13. First on my face and in recent years on my back and even though i've tried everything they seem to stick around. Could it be diet related or just something about my body?

I played football and cricket as all Aussie kids do and i enjoyed it but i never had the desire to take the competition seriously as i all i ever really thought about was growing up and what i would be when i did. Not much has changed in 20 years!I played a lot of tennis in my teens and early 20's and enjoyed the game but more for the socialis ing with my friends. I remember in grade 6 in primary school we were on school camp and each of the students was given a certificate for something. One kid may have got it for being the best on the flying fox or the best at art and craft so when it came to my turn i was given a certificate for "enjoying the menu."

I never really understood how that impacted my life in terms of my self esteem. It affected me greatly and for nearly 20 years it was sitting at the back of my mind as a reminded about how people judged me. I always talk about it to people not only as a joke to tell about me but because in myself it wasn't a joke, it was a form of self criticism and it was a self defeating attitude. Here i was finishing primary school and the best ability i had was stuffing my face full of food. I love food as everyone knows but i've realised that it's been more than just a means to survive, it's been a way out of confronting my own demons. Thise demons being self-confidence, the desire to want to become fit and generally being happy.

Throughout my teens the same trend continued. I didn't have the desire to get fit. I dieted and it worked. My weight was up and down and i even went to Weight Watchers when i was about 19 or 20 i think. I was depressed because i knew that was not me. It was not the me that i wanted to be.

I was at my heaviest before i went away (94 kgs) and while i was in Hong Kong i exercised my heart out because the gym was just there and life was good. According to Sab's scales one day about 8 months after i got to Honkers(where i weighed about 89) i weighed in at 77kgs! It was the lightest i had been since i can't remember when and i was delighted on the surface but deep down i wasn't happy. I wasn't happy because in the deepest part of my soul i didn't feel happy. Mart had left to go home and life in Hong Kong was becoming just like everyday life back at home. I hit a mental roadblock and all the good work and sweating i had done was going down the toilet as the same old insecurities about myself kept creeping up telling me that i was no good.

I have heard the stories from lots of people but never really confronted my reasons why in my life so far i never took my health seriously. I know i'm very cerebral and most of the time it's been at the expense of exercising. I was worried about no one liking me physically and with the world becoming more superficial by the day i felt out of place and out of step. I've never felt i have found my true reason to be on this planet and the mental barrage at trying to find it has cost me a lot of time in terms of my body.

So cut to today with my hairy gut hanging out of a sweaty tshirt on a swiss ball and i'm thinking to myself "I'm loving this." For the first time in my life im really happy that i working out and wanting to be healthy in mind and body. I was 91.4 kilos on Jan 1 and i will weigh myself on Feb 1 to see how i have gone in Jan. I'll put the result up here.

For the first time in my life i'm enjoying the challenge of going to the gym. I'm accepted i've wasted a lot of time in my life and now the time is right to right to exorcise those demons and just enjoy life and enjoy the pursuit of fitness.