My names Pepper..Mark Pepper and I'm a stoopid rich Westerner.Asia.
You always find a way to piss me off just when I'm about to put on the rose coloured glasses.
After my glowing appraisal of Chiang Mai a couple of days ago it's come to my conclusion that as a Westerner in this part of the planet, you will never ever ever ever ever get treated as an equal citizen. According to the unofficial "Asian to Westerner Booklet of etiquette" anyone who has some sort of a skin colour that is of a lighter shade than the locals is a combination of Bill Gates in the finance department and Forrest Gump in the Intelligence department.
Now I'm not as rich as Bill or as stupid as Forrest but after the events of the past couple of days, you could forgive me for blowing off some steam. It all started Saturday afternoon. After Sab and I got back from our enjoyable mountain bike ride, the manager of our guest house pulled us over to say that the tour bus company that was going to drive us to the Thai-Laos border had come to pick us up. We found this odd as they were a day early and the boss was looking at us with some suspicion that it was our fault even though we had paid up till the Sunday the previous Thursday.
On our way to the cooking course we stopped by the agency that we booked our ticket to re-confirm A) that we have a seat for the Sunday bus ride and B) that the guy that booked it is a fair dinkum dickhead. Sab and I were greeted by a man who just seemed to giggle his way through the conversation like an 11 year old girl. He said that we will be fine and have a seat on the bus come Sunday but Sab and I were still not convinced. I released my anger that night by cooking five wicked Thai dishes.
Come Sunday we were packed and ready to go. Our moronic travel agency man said that the trip from Chiang Mai to the border crossing at Chiang Kong would take three hours. "Perfect" I thought. "We can get there about three thirty - fourish and catch the afternoon boat to Luang Prabang." How stoopid was I.
Not only did the trip take nearly five hours but our driver deliberately took a wrong turn in order for us to miss the boat. The reason? When the bus finally rolled into Chiang Kong nearly two hours past the time we were supposed to arrive, the boats to Laos had finished for the day. He stopped in front of a guesthouse where we coincidentally stay the night and organise tickets for tea boat next day. He arrived late on the chance that we would have no choice but to stay at this hotel the night and he would get his little commission. It's tactics like this that would cause such an uproar in Western countries but it's accepted practice over here. I mean what can we do?
There was a young English couple traveling with us so we decided to try and find our way over the river to Laos. We walked up the road to the boat ramp where the driver should have dropped us off in the first place. When you pay for a service you expect something or someone at the receiving end to point you in the right direction. The customs office at the pier was closed and locked up so we had to walk further down the road to another boat pier whereby we finally made our way onto a dinky wooden boat and made our way across the river into the town of Huay Xai.
This little Loatian one horse town would have to be a place of rest as not only did we miss the last boat of the day but the roads to our destination Luang Prabang had been damaged by severe rain. Now whether this is true or not true is questionable but it's these situations you find yourself in reguarly in this part of the world. After finding a room Sab and I got some dinner and finally I got to try the biggest urban legend around... BeerLao and with my years of beverage consumption experience in Asia it is by far and away the best beer in Asia. It has a very fresh taste and leaves you wanting for more. Sab polished off a 640 ml bottle on her own and that is something very rare indeed believe me.
Sab and I bit the bullet and paid 33 Yankee Dollars for a 6 hour speedboat ride the next morning. We thought that we would have time to relax, read, listen to the iPod and get there in a third of the time compared to the next best and only other option.
Check out this video to see what we got ourselves into today for 6 hours. Click on the link
Not only was this boat designed for three people (there were six to start off with and we picked up another passenger along the way) but when you are going at roughly 40-50 kilometers an hour, water hits you pretty hard. My toes were stuck underneath the seat in front of me and I was worried I would get some sort of deep vain thrombosis so I tried to wiggle my foot but to no avail. They were jammed big time. My back was jammed into the board behind me and the room we had made flying on Jetstar seem like flying in a stretch limo. I was in so much pain that after nearly three hours we finally got a chance to stretch.
Six hours on the Nam Tha River with legroom Karen Carpenter would find unbearable made me a very unhappy man. I wanted to tell the driver, Laos and Asia to go and get f#cked but I can't because we are in the town of Luang Prabang and it's amazing. It is so peaceful and laid back here. There are fresh baguettes here and the arts and craft continue to make me wish I had a house to decorate back home. Tomorrow Sab and I are taking a rest and going to recharge the batteries for our upcoming adventure on Wednesday..White water rafting and kyacking.
Asia...You better not do this to me again but I know you will...because stupid is as stupid does.
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